::: English Lesson :::

[Aoife]

Food For Thought!

CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL WHO WERE BORN IN THE

1930's 1940's, 50's, 60's and early 70's !

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us and lived in houses made of asbestos.
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese, raw egg products, loads of bacon and processed meat, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes or cervical cancer.

Then after that trauma, our baby cots were covered with bright coloured lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets or shoes, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.

Take away food was limited to fish and chips, no pizza shops, McDonalds , KFC, Subway or Nandos.

Even though all the shops closed at 6.00pm and didn't open at the weekends, somehow we didn't starve to death!

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.

We could collect old drink bottles and cash them in at the corner store and buy Toffees, Gobstoppers, a Bubbly, Mojos and Bazooka Joe gum.

We ate buns, white bread and real butter and drank soft drinks with sugar in them, but we weren't overweight because......

WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of old prams and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. We built tree houses and dens and played in river beds with matchbox cars.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo Wii , X-boxes, no video games at all, no 999 channels on SKY ,
no video/dvd films, no mobile phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms..........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.

Only girls had pierced ears!

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

You could only buy Easter Eggs and Hot Cross Buns at Easter time...

We were given air guns and catapults for our 10th birthdays.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them!

Mum didn't have to go to work to help dad make ends meet!

Football had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!! Getting into the team was based on MERIT.

Our teachers used to hit us with straps or canes and bullies always ruled the playground at school.

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of.

They actually sided with the law!

Our parents didn't invent stupid names for their kids like 'Kiora' and 'Blade' and 'Ridge' and 'Vanilla'

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL !

So congratulations to all of us who survived such a precarious childhood before the lawyers and the Government regulated our lives for our own good!

They really were the good old days!

[Aoife]

Dieses Bild habe ich heute von Ray bekommen und finde es einfach für zu schräg um es euch vorzuenthalten:

[bettyboop]

no running or cumming on these floors...

[Aoife]

A Scot is emigrating to Australia. Upon entry he is being interviewed by the immigration officer. When the officer asks the question, "Do you have a criminal record?", the Scot replies, "Well no . . . I didn't realise you still needed one to get in!"

[bettyboop]

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dz4Ps55R ... re=related[/youtube]

Eddie Izzard!!!

[fraences]

A blonde cop stops blonde motorist and asks for her driving license.

The Motorist scuffles around in her purse and can't find it. She says to the cop, "I must have left it at home officer."

The cop says, "Well, do you have any kind of identification?" The motorist scuffles around in her purse again, and finds a pocket mirror.

She looks at it and says to the cop, "All I have is this picture of myself." The cop says, "Let me see it, then." So the blonde motorist gives the mirror to the blonde cop, who looks at it, and replies, "Well, if I had known you were a police officer, I wouldn't have even pulled you over. You can go now."...

[fraences]

A young couple gets married, and the groom asks his bride if he can have a dresser drawer of his own that she will never open. The bride agrees. After 30 years of marriage, she notices that his drawer has been left open. She peeks inside and sees 3 golf balls and $1,000.

She confronts her husband and asks for an explanation. He explains "Every time I was unfaithful to you, I put a golf ball in the drawer." She figures 3 times in 30 years isn't bad and asks "But what about the $1,000?" He replied "Whenever I got a dozen golf balls, I sold them"

[fraences]

A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap. The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs. The old gentleman said, "Oh no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50." The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "It's his turn with the teeth."

[fraences]

[fraences]

I done my English lesson for today.

[Aoife]

An Old married couple had been Christmas shopping for most of the afternoon.



Suddenly, the wife realised her husband had "disappeared".



She became rather irate, rang his mobile phone and demanded: "Where the hell are you??"

Husband: "Darling, you remember that jewellery shop where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it and I didn't have enough money and said, 'My angel, it'll be yours one day?"



Wife, with a smile, her heart lifting: "Yes I remember that, my love!"

Husband: "Well, I'm in the Pub next to that shop."

[Aoife]

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Georgia.

After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, "Are these plates clean?"

His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get them. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!"
...
For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"

Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!"

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass. John yelled and said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car".

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV the old man shouted ...

"COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN!!!!

[Aoife]

michelin o neill has clamed responsibility for the tyre bomb in derry on tusday the pnis say they feel deflated aftar this attack they are under severe pressure with locals branding them tubes and tyre kickers the wheel ira have claimed responsibility and warned the psnl to tread carefully they be live 2012 will be a good year to pump up there campaining.

[Aoife]

My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he's 97 years old and we have no idea where he is.
****************************************************************************************

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
*********************************************************

[Aoife]

The Catholic priest in a small town had become very perturbed, and he decided to lay it on the line to the congregation.
"Brothers, sisters," he said solemnly, "it has come to my attention that there are tales to the effect that immorality is rampant in ourfair town. To be specific, it is being said that there is not one virgin left here. This vile lie must and shall be refuted. In order to do so..., I ask every virgin in the congregation to rise."
Not a woman stirred.
The priest said, "I understand the modesty that would make a young lady hesitate to announce her condition publicly, but it is necessary to do so. Young women, I conjure those to rise who are truly virgins."
And still not a woman stirred.
Wrath now moved the priest. "Will you, for the fear of experiencing a small shame, incur a great one? This is an order from the Almighty: Let all virgins stand!"
And as his thunderous tones died away, a young lady, far in the rear, with a baby in her arms, rose bashfully.
The preacher stared with astonishment at the baby, then said, "Young woman, I'm asking the virgins to stand."
And the young lady answered indignantly, "Well, father, do you expect this six-month-old girl to stand by herself...?"

[Aoife]

At a wine merchant, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.
A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position.
The director of the factory wondered how to send him away.
They gave him a glass to drink.
He tried it and said, ”It’s a Muscat , three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers”. Low grade but acceptable.
“That’s correct”, said the boss.
Another glass….
“It’s a cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results..”
“Correct.”
A third glass…
”It’s a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive” calmly said the drunk.
The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary to suggest something.
She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine
The alcoholic tried it.
“It’s a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant … and if you don’t give me the job, I’ll name the father!

[Aoife]

A scottish soldier in full dress marches into a pharmacy to speak to the chemist.
He opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton handkerchief and unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square which he also unfolds to reveal a condom.
The condom has a number of patches on it .He holds it up and eyes it critically.
''So how much to repair it ?'' he asks the pharmacist. ''Six pence" says the pharmacist.
"How much for a new one? ''Ten pence" says the pharmacist.
The Scot folds the condom into the silk square and the cotton handkerchief and marches out the door of the pharmacy .
A moment or two later the pharmacist hears a great shout go up, followed by an even bigger roar.
The Scottish soldier walks in and says: ''The regiment has taken a vote ... we'll have a new one."

[Aoife]

There was this virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it. So, the grandmother says sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. He is going to try to kiss you, you are going to like that but, don't let him do that. He is going to try to feel your breast, you are going to like that but, don't let him do that.

He is going to try to put his hand between your legs , you are going to like that but, don't let him do that. But most important, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that but, don't let him do that, it will disgrace the family.

With that bit of advise, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it. So, the next day she told her grandmother that her date went just like she said. But she said "grandmother I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried I turned over, got on top of him and disgraced his family.

[Aoife]

The three laws of West Belfast Engineering:

1. Always use the right tool for the job.
2. A hammer is the right tool for any job.
3. Anything can be used as a hammer.

[fraences]

A bloke was seated next to a little girl on the airplane,
when the stranger turned to her and said,

"Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just opened her book,
closed it slowly and said to the guy,

"What would you like to talk about?" Hmmmm...

"How about nuclear power?" said the guy.

"OK". she said.

"That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first.
A horse, a cow and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff!!??.

Yet a deer excretes little pellets,
while a cow turns out a flat patty
and a horse produces clumps of dried grass.

Why do you suppose that is?"

The guy thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

The girl replied...

"So, why do you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"